Sunday, April 23, 2017

Just not meant to be

Well, we have officially sold our home in Phoenix.  Signing papers and everything was bit depressing and I've cried many times over the past few weeks.  I feel so unsettled without my own home.  But, on the upside we are VERY grateful it sold.  We can now be looking and actually moving forward with finding a new house.  I breaks my heart and I had a dream the other night we went back to see it and the new owners had cut down ALL the trees and ripped out all my flowers and plants.  I know its silly, but it was So awful.  The neighbors (in the dream) came to us so sad because they did not like them and wanted us to come back.  Needless to say, that was not helpful.  Luckily our sweet realtor, and friend, had a book made of all the pictures from the listing.  She stopped by one day and dropped it off.  I felt so silly, but started crying as I looked at the pictures of my home.  Most of the time the more we look at houses the more I just want to go back.  I am really struggling to move on.  I LOVED Phoenix and I loved the life I had built there.  I miss having friends, I miss having a yard, I miss knowing where everything was, I miss my ward.  I miss having Keith's family close.  His parents and sister were always so supportive and helpful.  We actually went on dates because his parents were so good to watch the kids or even his sisters 18yr old son would come hang out so we could get out.  Keith and I haven't been able to get out since moving here and it is definitely wearing on my.  I feel we are living separate lives and can't ever get a chance to get back on the same page.  We have NO friends around us so my kids have ONLY me ALL the time.  Its great to spend time and attention on them, but I feel I am slowing fading away.  I serve no purpose other than to clean, cook and change diapers.  Keith was put in charge of his first project and is loving the new connections he is making at work.  But this has just resulted in longer hours and no time for us.  It has been a very lonely few months for me.  Don't get me wrong there have been good moments too.  We have found it fun to ride bikes in the evening down to the park and the kids play.  We found a new gym and that is helpful to at least have a little workout most days.  The girls love their new primary classes and Ada seems to be making friends at school.  Its just been a lonely struggle for me.

To add to my already hormonal, lonely self last month was my anatomy ultrasound.  Kev's wife came to hang out with the kids while I went in.  I'd been doing better with appointments and was finally feeling excitement about a new little boy.  We had started making a list of names and it had become fun to talk about.  At the scan the tech asked if we knew the gender.  I told her the doctor had thought boy at my last appointment.  I told her how the girls were SO excited about a boy as was I.  Baby had its legs together so she did all the other measurements first.  At the end we tried to get a gender shot.  The legs were clamped shut.  The tech had me move around and tried to push things around.  The baby did uncross it's ankles, but thighs were still quite close.  I started panicking.  Next to greatly fearing another baby with difficulties I feared having another girl, truly dreaded it.  I could feel my anxiety coming rushing back and finally the tech got a kind of view.  We could both see two white lines (3 lines means girl).  She told me she thought it was a girl.  She printed off some pictures for me and I raced out of there.  I made it to the door and lost it.  I just sobbed and sobbed.  Got in the car and cried for a while.  I couldn't call Keith, I could stand to tell him.  I drove him and sat in the driveway for quite a while crying.  I know it sounds dumb, but I felt betrayed by life.  WHY? Why couldn't I just have a boy?  I had followed prompting to get pregnant again even though I was struggling with anxiety.  I had accepted and managed to survive my last pregnancy attempt with a girl.  I had given up everything and moved out of my house.  I have done everything I was asked to do...why, why couldn't this just go right for me?  Pathetic I know; I was crushed and broken.  It was really embarrassing to go in the house crying just because the baby was a girl and not boy.  I was angry about it and asked the kids to not talk about it.  The kids were sure to tell Keith as soon as he got home, "don't ask mom if the baby is a girl because she doesn't want to talk about it."  Of course that just confused him and then he had to ask what they were talking about.  I REALLY didn't want to talk about it and said the tech thought it was a girl and I didn't want to talk.  And so it began again.  Baby became a no talking subject and we just continued with life without ever talking about the baby. I spent a few weeks very angry and mad.  What is the point of ever hoping for things if what I hope for really doesn't matter.  It's never going to happen how I want it to so what is the point of hoping or having dreams.  It didn't help that our house searching was FAILING miserably.  EVERYTHING we looked at was trashed, tiny living spaces/yards, but high priced.  Why did we move?  I spiraled to another depression for a few weeks.  I finally started trying to get back out a few weeks ago.  I started setting my alarm to get up a little earlier and read scriptures or this book I found about being positive (obviously a hard thing to do when depressed).  On Easter Sunday the lesson in Relief Society was about having faith.  I have come to dislike when people say "have faith and everything will work out".  No, no it doesn't always work out, sometimes it still sucks and YOU have to just stick to it and prove you can handle bad things.  But, this all reminded me and I had flashbacks to driving home from that horrible ultra sound that told us Penny was gone. This memory came back to me during this lesson and I felt the same feelings of He needed to know I was willing to accept this.  My "test" for a lack of better word was to be accepting of my situation with Penny.  Now I needed to prove that I had learned from that was could once again be willing to accept my situation.  Neither situation was what I wanted and faith wasn't going to change them.  I needed to change me.  I needed to be accepting of what I didn't "want".  I was very grateful for this reminder (even though it was painful and I felt dumb crying during this lesson and no one had any idea why).  I have worked on me for the past few weeks to be accepting.  (Deep down I hoped that if I accepted maybe magically the baby would end up really being a boy.)  I tried to be open about it.  I told Keith about what had happened with the ultrasound.  I even started making my own private list of possible girl names.  I was trying to get myself to accept what was in front of me.  We even happened to see a house we liked that week (we didn't get it, but it gave me hope that maybe there could be another house we would like).  This week was my appointment.  I asked the doctor to check again about the gender.  Baby was again clenching its legs together.  He was finally able to get a kind of shot (like the other tech) and saw a few white lines.  No clean view, but with two attempts that looked girl I think I have to accept this and move forward.  I didn't cry this time leaving.  I may have cried a little at home, but I'm doing better.  Peter will be my only boy and I will just enjoy him.  I still struggle to talk about the baby and it being a girl, but I'm trying.  We are talking about names a little.  We have talked to the kids about it (Ada was so disappointed).  We are grateful that she is alive and seems to be growing and developing just fine.  I still fear telling anyone because I don't want anyone to tell me this is just Penny trying again (one of my BIGGEST fears right now).  I am struggling quite a bit with that anxiety now and not sure how to handle it.  We haven't told anyone yet, but I'm trying to figure out how and what to say when people tell me it's Penny again.  It's a tricky situation for me, but I'm working on it.  

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