Friday, March 24, 2017

Finding a bit of Joy

My anxiety and loneliness continued through February.  Our house was on the market and I was busy with packing and keeping the house ready for showings.  We had started really looking at houses in Mesa and that had proved discouraging as nothing felt good or was what we were hoping to find.  We were steadily moving things out to my parent's house.  They were leaving on their mission the 20th of February.  They had talked to us about renting their house while we were in limbo without a house (hoping our house would sell quickly).  It was actually very much a relief to know we had somewhere to go and could sell our house and get out and still have time to look for something we liked.  We made plans to move in the weekend after they left or the next weekend.  We had open houses and visits to the house but no real offers.  I was already dealing with crazy emotions and having MY house, my first house, my house I had worked SO hard at, the house I brought Peter home to and the only house I had Penny in, for sale continued to spiral my craziness out of control.  I didn't want to move, I didn't want to leave Phoenix or my neighborhood or ward.  It wasn't perfect, but it was safe and familiar.  The Sunday before my parents left on their mission we had a family dinner and watched them be set apart.  At the dinner Keith asked to announce the baby.  I think he thought it would help me talk and be able to accept the baby situation better if family knew (up till here only our parents knew).  I didn't really want to, but he went ahead and announced to my siblings that we were expecting.  I just sat there and cried.  I feel so out of control!  Everyone seemed genuinely happy and no one said anything about this baby replacing Penny.  My parent's left (and I feel bad admitting it, but it was a relief to not have to face mom and fear what she would say about the baby every time I saw her).  That same week they left I had a meeting at the school we wanted to put Ada in and my next doctor appointment.  My cousin was amazing and watched the little ones (Ada was still at her school in Phoenix) so I could get both done.  It was Thursday February 23rd.  The meeting with the principal went well and they said Ada would be fine to start Monday morning (which meant we would move THAT weekend).  After that I hurried over to my doctor appointment.  I was determined not to bawl all through this one.  I got in real quick, in fact from the moment I entered the office to leaving the office was 15 minutes.  He did another ultrasound to check.  I again kept asking if he saw anything to indicate problems.  He said everything looked ok.  I was 15 weeks and he asked if I wanted to check for gender.  Of course (I am not patient enough to ever want a surprise).  We checked and it looked to me like something was there.  Even the doctor said "Well, looks like there is a weeny there" (which caught me off guard because he is a VERY reserved man).  To be perfectly honest, it was the first time I'd felt happy about the baby since I'd told Keith on Christmas day.  I left the office and text the picture to Keith of the "boy" shot.  He called right away and asked if that meant it was a boy.  We talked and laughed about how happy we were.  I was SO relieved.  I know it horrible to say, but I didn't want to girl.  I didn't want to face that after Penny, I just couldn't!  I was SO happy the rest of the day.  We told the kids that night and everyone was thrilled.  Ada was SO excited.  Her rationalization was that then they could all play house and there would be two moms and two dads.  It was so cute!  I felt like this burden had been lifted and I just felt calm.  We talked about the baby, we even now prayed for the baby as a family (like I said, it was NOT really talked about and no one mentioned it before).  I was even ok with taking a fun picture of the kids to announce it to our friends and actually TELL people (huge step for me).  Saturday we rounded up some help and moved out of our house.  We were not completely ready and our realtor had suggested leaving some furniture behind so the house looked homey to still show. In the middle of moving she called and said three couples wanted to come see the house.  I explained we were moving and she said she would let them know to take that into consideration.  They still wanted to come see.  So we packed up what we had and headed out to Mesa to unload what we had while they came to look.  One of those couples ended up putting in an offer THAT night.  It was a miracle!  For the first time in months things seemed to be happening right.  The baby was a boy and healthy, Ada got into the school, we moved, the house had an offer and I was actually coming out of this months long anxiety attack.  We countered offered Sunday morning, as well as taking that picture announcing the baby.  We posted the picture to Facebook and went to church one last time in our Shaw Butte ward.  By the time we were driving home from church we got the call that the couple had accepted our counter offer and the house was officially under contract.  We headed out to mom and dad's house to get settled and ready for our first week living in Mesa.  All week I missed my home and friends, but it felt like I was making progress.  I was able to get things put away and kind of make things homey for us here.  I started reading a book about being positive.  For the first time in a long time I wasn't crushed with dark feelings.  The baby wasn't a secret and we actually started talking about him more frequently as a family.  We even started making a list of names.  Peter has ALWAYS been my most loving and tender baby to me.  I know the girls love me, but Peter is just SO different.  The thought of another baby Peter just made me feel so much calmer and happy.  I felt excited to have a boy and just felt peaceful.  We had to keep making visits out to our house to continue moving things out and cleaning up there.  I will admit, going there always threw me off. I usually cried all the way back to Mesa and was glum for the rest of the day.  That house has been my world for almost 4 years.  It is just SO hard for me to let it go!  Things progressed and continued to go well with the buyers and things seemed to still be smoothly continuing towards closing.  I'm struggling with our new ward.  People don't talk to us and I just don't feel I fit in.  We don't have friends out here and that is very lonely!  I have sisters out here, but everyone is so busy.  I still don't feel I have anyone to talk to, but I don't feel crushed by anxiety all the time.  We don't have friends, so we do everything together.  We ride bikes or go to the park.  There is no one to play with so we play with each other.  I MISS Phoenix and our friends and family so much!!!!  Even though I have this longing to go back, I don't feel like life is so bleak.  I am finding ways to feel happy again.  I can feel the baby move and feel so grateful to have the little boy Keith and I felt was missing in our family.

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