Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Two steps forward, one step back

Last post I was able to share events that I'd been able to go through and keep it together.  I am making progress in this grief process and I see that I am getting more "normal".  Other times, I feel myself falling back into what I read this morning in my scriptures as a "vale of sorrow."

Last Sunday evening we were listening to our church station on Pandora while the kids danced around.  The kids like doing this every so often and then Keith and I can sit and hold hands and just listen to the messages in the music.  This time Keith was dancing with the girls when the song "Thy Will Be Done" came on. I instantly recognized it as familiar and searched my memory for it's placement.   This is the song that my old roommate Nikki had sent me the week we lost Penelope.  I listened to it the day I finally decided I could do it and told Heavenly Father I'd accept fully taking on Penny and her challenges.  The day I thought for sure she'd live and I had decided it would all be ok.  I haven't heard that song since that day.  I went from perfectly ok, to running to my room sobbing.  Keith came for me and held me while I cried. I don't know if I ever told him about this song in connection to my prayer of acceptance with Penny (I'd told him about that).  He is so patient with me and just lets me cry.  If he is sick of it, he doesn't show.  He just holds me and tells me she was real and she is ours.

The week went on and I had no major spells.  Yesterday was the primary program in our ward.  In the middle of it I suddenly got a bit choked up when the thought flashed in my mind that she won't ever be in a primary program.  It through me off and I had a hard time at church.  Its hard when I feel this pain/sadness to want to be around people.  I want to be alone and I can't.  In the evening we were going out to my parent's house for dinner.  I had a flashing thought before leaving that my sister will sometime probably get pregnant and announce it at one of these dinners.  She had told me while I was pregnant with Penny that they were waiting till school was back in session and then would try.  I had feelings of uneasiness and resistance in going out there.  It's still hard to be around all my family. I feel like everyone has moved on (as they should, it wasn't their baby), but it still hurts.  Everyone just pretends it didn't happen or is afraid to mention it (again, understandable...they are probably afraid of me).  But, it still makes it hard.  After dinner we were all sitting around the table chatting and Tyler clinked his cup and announced that there would no longer be a middle child in their family. Teresa is 12 weeks pregnant.  They went to the doctor, saw the heartbeat and everything looks great.  First of all, SO happy for them.  It is wonderful.  I am happy that their baby is healthy and they don't have to ache nonstop.  But, it hurt...oh how it hurt!  I tried so hard to stay in control.  I tried to smile and join in all the congratulation.  But, the tears stung at my eyes.  Keith came and sat by me and touched by hand.  I started to lose it and didn't want to spoil anything.  Luckily I had just finished feeding Peter and he needed to get washed.  I tried to act casual and take him to wash in the kitchen.  I wanted to run and not come back.  I run upstairs so no one would hear me sob.  I hid in mom and dad's room, in the dark so I could cry.  Keith came fairly soon after and again just held me as I cried.  He let me cry.  My mind just screamed, "why couldn't she had been fine?"  I know it was as it should be.  I know she is fine, I know she is mine, I've even been prompted that she chose this.  But it just is hard.  Why couldn't I have a baby?  I felt SO empty (literally and figuratively).  Keith asked if I wanted to leave, but I didn't want to make a show.  I really didn't want to spoil it for Teresa or make a scene.  It was best for me to just hide and let the night continue.  A few minutes later Sherry came in. The one person I felt sorry for besides myself.  Here was my sweet sister who too aches overtime someone announces a baby.  She and her husband are unable to have kids and every baby is a shot to her heart as well.  She hugged me and we cried together.  It was very sweet of her and it meant a lot that she came.  I felt like she was the only one who maybe understood how I felt.  Keith went in and out checking on me and checking on the kids.  I finally got control, but had NO desire to be around anyone.  I kept telling myself to go and pretend it was all ok, but then I just didn't want to.  I didn't want to pretend, I just wanted to be left alone.  I came out, but stayed upstairs with Peter and played toys.  My sister in law came up and sat down and asked if I was ok.  I knew what she meant, but didn't want to talk about it.  I'd had a sore throat all day (and I LOATH sore throats), so I just said I wasn't feeling well.  It was kind of her and she stayed upstairs with me for a while.  Mom came up once and asked if I was ok.  Just told her "fine" and that my throat was hurting (which it did).  It was at last time to go and Keith was good to get things packed up and kids out to the car.  I knew I should go and say good bye, I should say congrats to Teresa, but I couldn't get myself to do it.  I just slipped outside and went to the car.  I feel awful and I feel like a jerk for not being supportive to Teresa.  I will get there, but I just couldn't.  Andrea came out to say bye, but again didn't want to talk about it and just passed it off as my sore throat.  I can't stop myself from thinking, they don't understand.  They don't know how much it has effected me.  I feel like I'm a different person now and I'm still trying to figure out who that is.

This morning after dropping Rue off at joy school we went by the bank and then hurried home so I could shower before needing to get back.  I put on a show for Peter and Brielle to watch.  I don't usually do this, but I don't usually take a shower while Brielle is awake.  I have to be careful about leaving her and Peter alone because they tend to just fight.  Even to go to the bathroom I get nervous. both kids will usually sit still on the couch with the older kids if they watch a show.  Still, it was a VERY fast shower.  I ran out to check on them and they were wandering a bit and not so interested.  I ran back to the bathroom to grab my brush and thats when they started fighting apparently.  I grabbed the brush, heard screams, and then a crash.  My heart sank and I immediately knew what it was.  On a little hutch by our front door I have a poem and picture of Penny.  I also bought two little Willow Tree statues a week after I lost Penny that made me think of her.  One was a mother holding her baby and the other a father and mother kneeing together holding their baby.  For me it represented what my heart ached for with Penny and what I hold dear with my other children.  The statue of the father and mother was broken on the ground.  Brielle (sometimes) likes to get into the hutch and Peter doesn't like her to.  I can only surmise that she tried to get in, he tried to close the door.  They fought shaking the hutch and the statue fell off.  Needless to say it was not a good mommy moment.  I just started screaming, knelt down and cried/screamed.  The two culprits ran and hid.  I was devastated at this piece that I love being broken, frustrated with the two kids for ALWAYS fighting, mad at myself for even being upset about a thing being broken.  It just...threw me other the top.  I put both kids in different room and closed the doors and then cried until it was time to get Rue.  They say when it rains it pours, seems to be pouring right now.  I know this storm will pass and I can once again try to move forward.

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