Sunday, October 9, 2016

A Week of Reminders

This week I decided to go through and organize Peter's room.  Haven't done it for a very long time.  had planned to when the baby came, but since that isn't going to happen it was time to organize things for the room to stay his.  I found a drawer of baby blankets, burp clothes and baby diapers.  I packed them up in a box for the garage.  This normally would have thrown me off and I'd not be able to function the rest of the day.  I was able to still keep going.

Wednesday I was at a friends house helping out.  She was trying to get kids down for bed and asked if I'd hold her baby (he was born the week we found out about Penny's condition).  I've basically avoided babies for the past several months.  I don't like being around them, looking at them let alone touching one.  The last time I'd held her baby was right after we found out about Penny and he was a few days old.  I hadn't told my friend yet about our baby or her condition.  I cried most of the rest of that day after holding her baby.  So, when she asked my mind paused for a moment in fear, but I did.  I held the baby and didn't cry.  I didn't even spend the rest of the night crying.  Did I feel empty inside a bit, yes...but I did hold the baby and didn't cry.  That's a big step for me (but doesn't mean I'm looking for babies to hold, because I don't want to).

Friday evening Peter started fussing right before dinner.  He just stood by me and laid his head in my lap crying.  After a few minutes he started throwing up all over me.  We babysit two little kids during the week and they had the flu earlier in the week, so I'm guessing we picked up their bug.  He threw up a few other times (somehow ALWAYS on me).  The next day I was subbing at Ada's school and was stressed about us getting sick and wether we should even go.  We did.  Ada had a FUNrun at school and it was nice to be there subbing and get to see her run.  We both made it through the day ok. When we got home Keith said that Peter had been fine all day.  We decided we'd sneak over to the movies with the kids (Finding Dory was at the dollar theater).  We had a great time and Peter just sat on my lap through the whole movie.  The kids were THRILLED to get to go to the movies.  We've never taken them.  Everyone seemed ok and we made it through the night.  Saturday morning I woke up not feeling great.  That churning, ache in the stomach.  We made it through chores and my stomach started hurting more.  Our freezer to our fridge has been on the fritz and wasn't working again.  We have a spare fridge in the garage and decided to switch them.  This was kind of a big job when I could tell I wasn't doing ok.  It was very exhausting and definitely took a toll on me.  By the end I was SO miserable I just went to bed.  Keith told me to just stay in the room and he'd keep the kids away.  I was SO nauseated and miserable.  I rested for a while and then decided to take a shower.  As I got in the shower it dawned on me...I haven't felt this way since July 15th (the last day I felt sick with Penelope).  The first 18-20 weeks of pregnancy for me is basically the same as having the flu.  It's the same feeling in my stomach.  Suddenly I had the thought...what if I am pregnant and not sick with the flu.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.  I'd spent nearly 5 months like this and maybe this was going to be my next 5 months.  I was due to "start" this week and usually this is how I find out I'm pregnant...I get "sick".  I decided finally to pacify my racing mind and take a test to see.  I was so very nervous about it.  I didn't tell Keith, as I didn't want to emotionally upset him.  I just snuck into the bathroom and hid the packaging.  I took the test and waited...negative.  To be honest, I'm not totally sure how I felt.  I think I was disappointed, but also just sad because these feelings made me think of when I had my baby alive inside me.  I haven't felt this way since her, so just one more "first" to get through.

We are doing better each day.  I still feel like I have feelings of sadness or anger sometimes, but overall the hard days are less frequent.  I've been able to talk about Penny a few times and not cry.  I feel like things are starting to feel more normal.  I fear for December still.  I know it's going to be hard and I dread it more than anything right now.  The week felt like big steps for me.  The packing of blankets, holding a baby, and taking a pregnancy test were huge for me.  I miss her.  I miss knowing that she would be almost full grown.  I miss that anticipation.  I am doing so much better, but I still miss her.

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