The day after our specialist appointment was still hard. Julie, Phillip's wife, called and we had an amazing chat. It's so hard to keep in regular touch with them being SO far away and only seeing them once a year, or every other year. She was so loving and compassionate. It helped to share and be able to cry with someone. I don't know that I can express how special these conversations have been to me in this moment of sadness. It's nice to be able to share my feeling and thoughts. It helps me to sort through what I'm actually feeling.
I'm trying to figure this "take one day at a time" and I actually do feel like I'm making progress. Not going to lie...it was a little blurry for a few days. I've kept up with my Book of Mormon reading. I get up at 6:30 every morning and read till 7 when the kids get up. I truly feel like this is helping me. Everything feels so out of control, but when I read I feel calm and not weighed down. I have managed to get my crying under control and often go many days without crying. I'm slowly getting to where I can talk about Penny and not cry. Sundays are still a little hard. You'd think it would be a day of uplifting, but it usually a hard day for both of us. Fridays are the worst day for me. That is the day of our "life check" ultrasound. I really hate going to the doctor's office and it is usually a very low day for me. I feel bad, but cannot seem to get a grip yet on that day. Every Friday we go in for the ultra sound life check. The first few weeks I'd come pretty depressed and spend the rest of the day in bed. It's like a wound being ripped open every week. I'm trying to find ways to survive them and just enjoy getting to see Penny. Ada and Rue come with us to these appointments so that they can see their sister. We try to talk about her often (especially around the kids) and make her a part of our family. It gives us comfort to know that we have SEEN her moving and alive. Even if she doesn't make it, she has fulfilled her mission by receiving a body. If she doesn't make it, that's ok. If she does make it...we will have to figure out "one day at a time."
Heidi has added me to several Turner's support groups. It's nice to hear stories about how other's are surviving and what different situations others are facing. In all honesty, sometimes it is comforting and sometimes it scares me. With time I'm coming to be able to take the specialist "diagnosis" with a grain of salt. I'm coming to realize that most Turner's babies have pretty severe situations and lots still survive. Sometimes that gives me and sometimes it scares me. I'd love to see my baby and have her here, but if she makes it there are so many things she and us will have to survive. She will have to have surgery for her intestines and other possible issues. She will have to have growth hormone shots every day. She won't potty train until more like 5. She could have thyroid or other organ problems arise and we'd be in doctor appointments often. That scares me. But, losing her without knowing her or seeing her alive is also devastating. It's so hard and I'm torn. I really went back and forth for a while. Now, I feel like I've been able to give it to Heavenly Father. I can not do ANYTHING, other than just wait. Waiting stinks, but if I read my scriptures and pray and try to focus on the here and now I seem to do better.
Life is just going on, one day at a time. Here it is the last day of June and I can't help but think good riddance. I'm ready for a new month and ready to see what will come of July. Life is by no means easy, but we are getting by. We take it little by little and I'm trying to find ways to bring peace and happiness. I do find myself more willing to give up on busy work and just hold my kids or play with them. I love their hugs and kisses and am trying to be more compassionate with them. Having three kids is not easy, but they are alive and healthy and I love them more than anything!