Friday, July 1, 2016

How Are We

The day after our specialist appointment was still hard.  Julie, Phillip's wife, called and we had an amazing chat.  It's so hard to keep in regular touch with them being SO far away and only seeing them once a year, or every other year.  She was so loving and compassionate.  It helped to share and be able to cry with someone.  I don't know that I can express how special these conversations have been to me in this moment of sadness.  It's nice to be able to share my feeling and thoughts.  It helps me to sort through what I'm actually feeling.
I'm trying to figure this "take one day at a time" and I actually do feel like I'm making progress.  Not going to was a little blurry for a few days.  I've kept up with my Book of Mormon reading.  I get up at 6:30 every morning and read till 7 when the kids get up.  I truly feel like this is helping me.  Everything feels so out of control, but when I read I feel calm and not weighed down.  I have managed to get my crying under control and often go many days without crying.  I'm slowly getting to where I can talk about Penny and not cry.  Sundays are still a little hard.  You'd think it would be a day of uplifting, but it usually a hard day for both of us.  Fridays are the worst day for me.  That is the day of our "life check" ultrasound.  I really hate going to the doctor's office and it is usually a very low day for me.  I feel bad, but cannot seem to get a grip yet on that day.  Every Friday we go in for the ultra sound life check.  The first few weeks I'd come pretty depressed and spend the rest of the day in bed.  It's like a wound being ripped open every week.  I'm trying to find ways to survive them and just enjoy getting to see Penny.  Ada and Rue come with us to these appointments so that they can see their sister.  We try to talk about her often (especially around the kids) and make her a part of our family.  It gives us comfort to know that we have SEEN her moving and alive.  Even if she doesn't make it, she has fulfilled her mission by receiving a body.  If she doesn't make it, that's ok.  If she does make it...we will have to figure out "one day at a time."

Heidi has added me to several Turner's support groups.  It's nice to hear stories about how other's are surviving and what different situations others are facing.  In all honesty, sometimes it is comforting and sometimes it scares me.  With time I'm coming to be able to take the specialist "diagnosis" with a grain of salt.  I'm coming to realize that most Turner's babies have pretty severe situations and lots still survive.  Sometimes that gives me and sometimes it scares me.  I'd love to see my baby and have her here, but if she makes it there are so many things she and us will have to survive.  She will have to have surgery for her intestines and other possible issues.  She will have to have growth hormone shots every day.  She won't potty train until more like 5.  She could have thyroid or other organ problems arise and we'd be in doctor appointments often.  That scares me.  But, losing her without knowing her or seeing her alive is also devastating.  It's so hard and I'm torn.  I really went back and forth for a while.  Now, I feel like I've been able to give it to Heavenly Father.  I can not do ANYTHING, other than just wait.  Waiting stinks, but if I read my scriptures and pray and try to focus on the here and now I seem to do better.

 Father's day we went out to spend time with my family and share about our trip.  Kevin and Jessica sweetly made this "Penny" heart for our girl.  We love it!  We have it up by our family room by our TV and it brings me peace overtime I see it.  We do love our girl and appreciate SO very much the love and support of family.  I feel so silly bringing it up, but let's face is ALL encompassing.  We have been SO blessed by kind thoughts and messages sent to us.  My cousin's wife Kanani showed up the other day and had a beautiful pot of flowers.  I almost started crying at the door.  She really did not have to and it just touched my heart that she had the tenderness to come by and drop them off.  Our friend (and realtor) came by yesterday (on the way to the hospital to have her c-cection by the way) and brought flowers.  It was SO sweet and she brought my these darling yellow flowers with butterflies in it (she had no idea that Turner's babies are called butterflies).  We cried together a minute and she headed off to have her baby.  Friends have come by with card or cookies and I just feel so unworthy of this.  We have NO idea what is even going to happen.  We are very grateful that people are praying for us and it does seem to have helped ease some of the burden that often feels like it's crushing us.

 Sadly, Father's day was 120 degrees (have i mentioned that I HATE, LOATH and DREAD summer) and unfortunately we had 4 chickens die.  We had church in the morning and then headed right out to Mesa to be with family and though the chickens have tons of water and food, they got too hot.  So, the next day we found a lady on Craigslist selling 5 month old chicks for $10.  SO, we replaced our 4 dead chickens. (can't see one of them in the above picture)

Last week we decided to avoid the Friday blues and skip town as soon as we got back from the doctor.  That is usually when things get depressing, so we took the kids up to Mount Mingus and went camping.  On the plus side, we avoided the blues, but unfortunately I was VERY sick (I feel sometimes like it's getting worse than better).

Life is just going on, one day at a time.  Here it is the last day of June and I can't help but think good riddance.  I'm ready for a new month and ready to see what will come of July.  Life is by no means easy, but we are getting by.  We take it little by little and I'm trying to find ways to bring peace and happiness.  I do find myself more willing to give up on busy work and just hold my kids or play with them.  I love their hugs and kisses and am trying to be more compassionate with them.  Having three kids is not easy, but they are alive and healthy and I love them more than anything!

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