Thursday, June 30, 2016

Day One Home

Well, technically we'd gotten home This day at 3AM (ish).  Keith's mom had our kids and was needing to go somewhere at 9 so we needed to get the kids before.  Which was fine, we were anxious to see them.  We drove over there.  Peter and Rue were SO excited!  I love how happy that boy gets when he sees me.  Ada seemed a bit grumpy.  She got upset about wanting to stay or wanting to take grandma's stuff home.  It was a little frustrating that she wasn't just happy we were home.  Keith's parents had our van so I drove the van and Keith took the CRV home.  Driving home I realized, we basically had no food and I wasn't sure if I had kids to watch the next day so we stopped by Smart and Final on the way home and stocked up on the essentials.  Ada quickly cheered up and seemed back to normal.  I think it was just her way of dealing emotional with us being gone.  We came home and showed the kids the pictures from our trip.  They loved seeing what we did and asking questions. We had some lunch and got Peter down for a nap.  Keith needed to run into work for a bit so he headed out.  I was feeling very anxious to get results of my genetic testing.  When I got the blood work done (the day before our trip) the lady had said it would take a week to two weeks.  It was technically a week.  I called my OB office and left a message for the nurse.  Rested and played with the kids.
(Peter sat here on Keith's knee while we showed the pictures of our trip.  SO sweet)

Around 3pm I got a call from my OB office.  It was my doctor, Dr. Peterson, calling me back and I knew that meant something.  They had just gotten my results back.  He explained that the genetic testing results showed that our baby was a little girl and she has Monosome X, better known as Turner's Syndrome.  I knew I'd read about that in my special ed classes and I instantly remembered a friend back in our Mesa ward who had a little girls around Rue's age that had Turner's.  He explained that in our DNA the gene that signifies gender is number 26.  For a boy, they have an X and Y chromosome.  For a girl, they have two X chromosomes.  Turner's means that for a girl (it only affects girls) is missing her second X chromosome.  I remember feeling panic!  It was real.  This no longer had a chance of going away and meaning nothing for our baby.  I was able to stay calm and ask questions and have him explain a little.  He said that with the Turner's she would have a fairly normal intelligence.  There would be spacial reasoning difference probably (whatever that means).  Turner's girls are usually shorter and need to have hormone shots to help them develop.  I asked him if that is why she had the cystic hygroma.  He said that was something different and not part of having Turner's.  He said he didn't know the severity of the hygroma and asked if I had my specialist appointment set up.  I did, for the next Monday (6 days away).  I don't remember tons of the conversation, but I tried to write down what I could as he explained.  We then ended the conversation and I just cried.  I texted Keith and told him the doctor had just called and asked him if he wanted to know then or wait till he got home.  He called a few seconds later.  I tried to keep it together and explained what I could.  Good thing I'd written stuff down, because it was all feeling very overwhelming and suffocating.  We cried a little together on the phone and then he said he'd finish up quick and come home.  We hung up and then I could just sob.  This was REALLY happening.  This was now my life.
Luckily the girls were busy playing.  Ada came in once and saw me and asked if I was ok.  I just told her I was worried about the baby.  She has been very sensitive about this whole thing.  Somehow she and Rue have managed to not tell anyone yet but I know it's been weighing on Ada.  The night that we told the kids about the baby (the first night when we told our parents) she came up to me later and asked if our baby had what Levi's sister had (Levi is a dear little friend in our ward who had a baby sister in December.  She had Trisomy 18 and lived only a short few weeks).  This crushed me and I realized just how scared she was about this baby.  At that time we didn't know what was going on and I told her probably not.  I got on Facebook and looked up my friend who had a little girl with Turner's.  I looked back at her pictures of when she had her little girl (sorry if that sounds stocker like, but I didn't know what else to do).  I saw this darling little baby girl. I saw quotes about how 2% of Turner's babies survive to birth.  Their little girl had some hip issues and had to wear a cast for several months as a baby.  I just felt so low.  This was too real now and I wanted to go back to Mexico and forget everything.  Keith got home not long after and we cried together for a while.  We tried hard to pull it together and make it still fun for the kids to be with us.  They needed love and attention right now.  Our ward started a book club last month and tonight was suppose to be our first meeting for our first book.  I did not want to go.  My eyes were puffy and I wasn't sure I could fake a smile.  It was at my friend Jenni's house (the one who's dyed my hair the day we'd found out, was Levi's mommy, and lost her baby 6 months ago).  Again, the fear of bringing her pain through my pain I was afraid to go.  I still felt like I was drowning in emotions and was not ready to share.  Keith really wanted me to go and take a break.  It was very good, and I am grateful he sent me.  It gave me a break from the pain and crying.  I was distracted enough that it didn't drown my mind.
I came home to find the girls in bed and Keith snuggling with the boy looking up stuff on the computer.  I knew what he was doing.  He was looking at some national health type site finding out about Turners.  We cried, we shared what we knew, we just sat there together.  It was a somber evening.  I reminded him about our friend from Mesa (Heidi) and asked him if he would mind me talking to her.  He said it would be ok.  He said he'd told his boss at work what was going on.  We talked about whether or not to share with our siblings.  Keith again felt that this was something we shouldn't try to keep to ourselves.  That emotionally we needed as much support as we could.  So, around 9:30 we finally put together a text to send to our siblings and parents letting them know.  Our siblings didn't even know yet that we were expecting.  I felt so anxious about sending them and letting them know.  It is so hard for me to include people in my problems.  I put up walls and am not very good at communicating.  I knew we needed to let them know so I consented and we sent the message and went to bed early.  It was a little hard to actually get to sleep as my mind was overflowing with thoughts and emotions.  I just feel so overwhelmed.





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