Thursday, June 16, 2016

A Special Blessing

To be perfectly honest, Keith and I pretty much cried all Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Sunday Keith told me he couldn't do it without some help.  He said our old Stake President's name kept coming to him.  President Hettinger was the Stake President when Keith and I got married.  He interview us before our wedding (and Keith had a good connection there I guess even before).  We lived in his ward when we lived with Grandma for 6 months and has been our Stake president our whole (almost) 3 years living in our home.  He was just released two months ago.  We have both always felt close and he always stops and talks with us when we see  him.  I've never felt a personal relationship with a Stake President before him.  Keith called him Sunday night and asked if we could just come talk to him and maybe get blessings with him.  I was very concerned and wondered if we were doing something wrong because...he isn't the Stake President anymore.  Were we one of "those" that just wouldn't let go and he wasn't the person we should be meeting with.  I stewed over this, but trusted Keith's feeling/need to see him.  He said we could come over at 9 on Monday morning (Memorial Day).  We dropped the kids off at Keith's parents and went over.  The whole time I felt concerned that maybe we shouldn't be bothering him.  He was of course happy to see us and invited us in.  We went in the back family room and sat down to chat.  I could tell he'd been a Stake President and knew how to run a situation like this.  It is actually amazing to me that a man who has no psychology training could be so in tune and know what to do.  He asked us just about life and how work and home was going.  Keith had told him on the phone that we were pregnant and had some bad news from the doctor.  He asked us to explain what was going on.  We both muddled through telling (I HATE crying in front of people).  We explained that its overwhelming and scary.  That depression runs in both our families and we both at some point have struggled with it.  One of the first things he said was that situations like this can drive wedges between parents.  He commended us on sitting there holding hands (I hadn't even really noticed, that's just what we do).  He told us we HAD to stay close to each other.  We had to communicate to each other our feelings (which I suck at doing).  We had to let the other be sad and be there to help support them and pull them up.  We were both going to have bad moments and needed to be there for the other.  He asked if we had told anyone.  We explained having our parents out. He asked how they responded and we told him they almost seemed happy, they weren't sad at all.  He asked why we thought they responded that way.  So, I honestly said "because it isn't them."  I know that's mean, but its truthfully how I feel.  And being totally honest, that's how I'd feel if someone told me this was their situation.  I'm not mad, but we can't help being grateful when we don't have a certain struggle.  Anyway, he talked about that for a while.  About how our parents weren't sad; they could see positive in what seemed like a gloomy sentence.  He talked about a brother he has with a down syndrome son.  He explained their relationship and talked about how his brother just adores his son.  Someone had once told his brother that someday his son would be made perfect.  His brother's response was, "He is perfect."  In the scriptures the Savior tells us to "be as little children" and a child that struggles with a disability is that.  They remain always as a little child because they are perfect.  They are actually showing US how we should be.  I'd never really thought of the "become as little children" like that.  It made sense.  He told us that this situation was going to be a struggle for us.  It will be a very personal struggle. My pain will be different than parents with similar situations.  My pain will be different than even Keith's.  I cannot compare my pain/grief/struggle to anyone else because it is my own.  It will be a personally suffering that only Christ will understand.  He experience my very personal ache through the Atonement so that he could be there to understand me when I feel alone.  It is ok to cry and ache, and there is no time frame that I have to fit in.  This will be my very own process that I will journey with the Savior at my side.  That really meant a great deal to me!  It is ok to hurt and I don't have to try and make it go away.  I can deal with this as long as I need with the Savior beside me to comfort me.  We talked for a bit and then he gave us blessings.  Keith as first.  A large portion of what was talked about was communication.  That Keith would be able to communicate with me and that we would be able to support one another and not feel  separated or lonely.  One of the first things Keith said to me after we got home from the doctor's office was that we needed to talk to each other.  I'm so grateful he is able to lead on that front, because it is hard for me to talk about my feelings (in person, on paper I feel more comfortable).  Then it was my turn.  Keith wanted to actually do an anointing as well as a blessing.  He anointed me and then President Hettinger gave me a blessing.  I don't remember every thing from the blessing, but it seems like as soon as he started the thought came to me "she chose this life."  That's all I could think about.  (We didn't know the gender, but after the doctor's appointment I'd started referring to the baby as her in my head.)  SHE chose this life, was what He was telling me.  SHE was ok with this life that she was going to have.  That was the closest I'd felt to calm and peaceful in three days.  This was HER life and she had chose whatever situation this was going to be.
We left his house after the blessings and I just felt SO much better.  He had been the right person to see and his words had been just what we needed.  I'm so very grateful for a husband that receives promptings and that I didn't let my fears/worries stop us.  I am grateful for a wonderful priesthood holder who could bring us comfort in a time I couldn't find it myself.

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