Sunday, March 31, 2013

Life is a Struggle

As mentioned before this year has turned out a bit more of a struggle than I expected and hoped.  This blog is really a type of journal so I'm going to be honest; no pretenses.  Its a tad personal and maybe depressing, but I need to write down my feelings somewhere.  Maybe someday I can use this to help myself or someone through another life struggle.

Keith started his new job.  We are very excited that he got this job and grateful beyond words.  However, our reservations about it proved to be real concerns.  They told him he would be required to work 45+ hours every week and would travel some.  He works four 10 hour days and then a half day on Fridays.  Within the first 3 weeks of working he was asked to go to Vegas for 3 days.  I was still recovering from him being gone for a week in DC and not thrilled they were already sending him off.  We talked about me going with, but tickets were too expensive so I was left behind.  When he returned he informed me that they planned to send him again in a week or two for longer.  Again, we were warned this was part of the job, but everyone we talked with there said they really didn't travel that much.  We talked about us going together, but of course that didn't happen.  He showed up to work on President's Day and they told him they needed him to fly out that day.  He left work then and headed out.  We were at the zoo and never got to see him.  He was then gone for 4 days.  It was really hard for me.  I'm very excited and happy for him to be able to finally use his knowledge and be complemented for his hard work, but its SUPER poopy to be left behind.  We are trying to save for a house so we are living pretending finances are worse than when he started working.  I sound like a snob but I'm living this "poor" life trapped at home 12 hours everyday (it takes about 40 min both ways to work) with two very young children.  I'm seeing NO reliefs from him getting a job.  In fact it feels WORSE than when we were students.  Now we are poor and I'm alone ALL the time.  I truly feel like a single parent a great majority of the time and yet I know mentally I'm not and it makes me rather grumpy.  Keith is off traveling, eating at fancy places, driving a new car, complemented on his work, and meeting new people....I'm home with a sassy 3 year old and a teething 1 year old!  Lame and selfish me can't stop wishing for reversed roles sometimes.  I think I've been struggling with some post baby blues stuff.  I've  been feeling very OUT of control emotionally and struggling to stay positive (no I am NOT prego).  Then as if things didn't already feel stretched very thin we had to add Keith's thesis drama in there.  His jerk of a boss/advisor screwed us over (for lack of a better term).  Keith was suppose to finish his thesis last summer, then last semester but Keith never received help or approval from him.  So now here we are with him working full time and trying to write it after work or on Saturdays.  We met with some friends who had graduated with their masters recently and asked him about his deadlines (that of course we had no idea about...thanks lame advisor!).  We looked in to it and found we were behind.  Keith contacted his thesis committee and they wanted to have him present on March 29th.  Keith had 4 weeks to finish WRITING his thesis and then make the presentation for it.  So, now he was working 10 hours, working for 2 hours on his thesis and THEN coming home.  He spent all his extra time on Friday working on it as well as 3-4 hours on Saturday.  This greatly enhanced the mild depression I was already fighting.  It was honestly a little more than I could handle.  I was reading my scriptures and trying to exercise and taking my b12 vitamins, but man I couldn't get over this slump.  I felt SO alone, so sad and just yucky pretty much all the time.  I've cried alot and tried to support Keith.  It has just been a struggle and I'm sad to say I didn't handle it well.  I just lived in darkness I fell like.  I don't like the person I was during this, I just wanted to run away from my problems and hid.

To add the the wonderfulness of the the current situation my grandpa, who has struggled for sometime with poor health, took a turn for the worst.  In February Hospice told us to gather family.  I've been going out every week (almost) for 2 and a half years.  I've become rather attached to my grandpa and hated to see his current state.  He did get much worse and it was very hard to wait for the call.  It came on February 23rd that he had passed away.  I struggled a bit with this of course.  Not because I don't know where he is or that he isn't happy or even that we are all relieved he isn't suffering anymore.  Sad that when I go to grandma's he isn't there.  Sad that when I close my eyes I can still see his smile and hear his voice.  Sad that he won't ever stand on the porch and wave us off as he has my whole life.

Keith and I had started looking online beginning of February for a house.  We were interested in getting moved closer to Keith's work and finally owning a house.  This only added to the disappointment of life as we realized the housing market has gone up so much we the areas we wanted or even a decent condition house was basically out of reach.  Again, my dream of a house feels so out of reach!

I could continue, but I think the point has been made.  I hate 2013!  We are making some changes and I am really hoping they can help me climb out of this depth of despair I have felt trapped in.  I know we have trials for a reason.  I know if won't last forever.  But, it has been a few months of true trial for me. If I have offended or seemed uncaring or distant that is why.  I am trying to get through things and i hope that I can figure out how best to deal with my situation.  It won't be easy, but maybe it will be worth it in the end... (-=

(if anyone reads this I'm not crazy depressed psycho, and at present time I am doing better.  The changes we have made seem to be helping and I am seeing more good days.  I want to be honest, this is what it has been the past few months.  I have succumbed to weakness and I am trying to get myself out)


Allison Tyler said...

I think the world of you Marjie! I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you! I would love to watch your girlies if you ever need a little break. Stay strong friend!

Erin said...

Marjie! Sorry it's been a hard few months! Everyone has them sometimes so don't get too down on yourself! When Matt works a ton I just have to remind myself at least I don't have to work a ton and feel guilty for not being with my kids. Sometimes it does seem like it would be better to switch but I'm so glad I don't have to be the mom and the provider like real single mom's. It helps a little anyway. Just keep doing the things that help you to be happier- outings, spending the day at your sister's/friends/mom's can make a big difference- especially if you do a project or something. Anyway- I know there is no easy solution but hopefully the whole working transition will get a little easier soon. Most people have to work in their "real" job for quite a while to get a house- I know you've had to wait to finish schooling too so I"m sure you're antsy but the market is still way better now than a few years ago- I'm sure you'll get there and appreciate it all the more when you do! Love you!

Chris and Kristy said...

Hello friend. Can I just say that I totally understand!! Perhaps we could've commiserated together over the past month or so. My hubby has had to work a TON of extra time due to some changes at work and I too have missed him. I'm here to hang out with if you'd like. The kids could play together, we could bask in the sun (which I'm finding I need every single day to feel "alive."). I remember the days when we wanted a house sooo bad. "Everyone" around us had one and we felt like we were on the slow path. Then we waited and waited for children and "everyone" was passing us up. Once again, we felt we were behind in whatever "race" we were running in life. It's not a fun feeling at all. But, I learned everyone is on a different course. It's not all roses for those who had houses or children, etc... It's normal to feel that way. You're very brave to write so honestly and openly. Hope things continue to look up. Let me know if you want to do a zoo day or hang out with the kids. We can "war story" together and maybe help ourselves get out of the dreaded "slump!" You're not alone my friend.